Downwind Wine: Issue #8
Yes/and, folk music, and walking each other home
The Resting Season
As fall sweeps over the land and the air gets cooler, it’s nice to step back and appreciate the beauty of the world around me. Not done with the sailboat racing…just a pause to rest and reflect.
Two Things Can Be True at Once
I take continuing education courses to maintain my psychology license. Although I’m an applied psychologist, not a clinician, the classes I take often cross over into that realm and are relevant to the work I do in the area of resilience. Many of the tools that therapists use are helpful in everyday life and don’t require any special training to use.
One of these that has been particularly helpful to me recently comes from an approach called DBT (dialectical behavior therapy), which is used to help people deal with strong emotions and harmful behavior patterns. At the heart of DBT is the idea that life is full of apparent contradictions, and that opposing perspectives or feelings can coexist without canceling each other out.
When we try to resolve everything into either/or (“I’m right and you’re wrong,” “Either I’m strong or I’m failing,” “If I feel anxious, I’m not capable”), we can end up stuck, ashamed, defensive, or isolated. If we can step back and recognize that two seemingly opposite things can be true at once, and find space to integrate them, it’s easier to create opportunities to move forward. Here are some examples:
I’m doing the best I can, AND I need to do better to meet my goals.
I love you, AND I’m angry with you.
I’m scared, AND I’m capable of taking the next step.
I want to rest, AND I feel responsible for these commitments.
This hurts, AND I know I can handle difficult things.
I disagree with you, AND I respect your perspective.
I’m grieving, AND I’m still able to laugh and feel joy.
To apply this tool, pay attention to times when you hear yourself using extreme words like “always,” “never,” “should,” and “can’t.” Use questions like “What else is true?,” “Is there another part of me that feels differently?,” or “If I step back and look at the big picture, what do I see?” to help you identify multiple truths.
From there you can start to look for a “middle path”—a way to integrate the pieces and find a way forward that honors the complexity of life.
In what areas of your life have you been able to see contradictory elements as pieces of a larger picture? How did that help you move forward more effectively? Is there a place you’re feeling stuck right now that could benefit from a “both/and” perspective?
Guess what I’m up to now!! For the last few years I’ve done social media work for a local nonprofit that supports folk music in the Atlanta area. I was recently elected president of the organization, following in the footsteps of a guy who’s been in the role for nearly 40 years. Fortunately, he will keep running the monthly concert series that’s been going for at least that long, while I step back and think about how we can best serve the Atlanta music community. I’ve started a quest to explore the many corners of folk music here, and to share what I’m learning in a newsletter called Atlanta Folk. I’m sure you won’t be surprised that it includes some of my photos…
This quest is taking me all kinds of interesting places, including a visit to a music swap and shop event where I bought a weird instrument that I first thought was a koto, and then a Vietnamese zither, and now believe is a Chinese guzheng (all part of the same musical family). You can read more (and see some cool pictures) in the most recent issue. It turns out there are a bazillion videos of people playing these things…here’s one I particularly liked:
The List
A few articles and links that have caught my attention lately.
An article on how to argue better—making space for spirited disagreement.
A story about a community not far from where I live that is urban, affordable, communal, and purpose-driven.
A visual history archive about the 1937 Nanjing Massacre hosted by the USC Shoah Foundation.
Walking Each Other Home
The older I get, the more I realize how important it is to treasure each day and to spend time with the people I care most about. This week I’ve been reading Walking Each Other Home: Conversations on Loving and Dying by Ram Dass and Mirabai Bush. It’s a lovely exploration of the spiritual path surrounding the end of our lives. Here’s Anne Lamott’s commentary on it:
“I am going to give everyone I know a copy of Walking Each Other Home. This book, this experience, this path of confronting our fear of death, will radically improve their lives, open them to love and presence and joy. Ram Dass and Mirabai Bush show us―beautifully, deeply, and with such humor―how profound and magical our lives can be as we become less and less afraid of death. I love Ram Dass more than I can say, but at least I can manage to say, ‘Thank you, thank you, my brother, my teacher, my buddy, for your company as I make my way home.’” ―Anne Lamott, author of Hallelujah Anyway and Traveling Mercies
I hope you’ve enjoyed this edition of Downwind Wine! See you in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, please feel free to share, subscribe, and comment.